Recap

Oh, wow. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It's been about six months since my last post.

What's been going on with me since then? I've been dealing with some mental and physical health issues. I had hernia surgery a few weeks ago. I'm healing pretty well but I'm still sore. I can't wait until I can resume normal activities. I'm thinking about taking aikido since I really miss martial arts.

I had a new roommate move in at the beginning of the month. It was pretty stressful finding someone else; this was the first time I was interviewing potential roommies. Normally, I'm the one looking to move in to someone else's pad. I still have to find another one for the beginning of September, but I'm pretty confident I can make it happen.

My best friend is nearing the end of his battle with brain cancer. I don't know what I'm going to do without him in my life. He's been a calming presence and has been my anchor since I've met him. I really want to get my life together before he passes away. I'm praying I can at least get the gears in motion and create some semblance of stability.

I'll try to post more frequently than in the past. Until then...

Aliyah

I'm toying with the idea of making Aliyah, which is the term people use for emigrating to Israel. Aliyah means "to go up," which is what your soul does when you move to Israel, because Israel is a holy place.

This isn't the first time I've considered this move. The first time was when my parents decided to move in 2004. Ultimately, we decided that it wasn't the right time for me to go with them at that point in my life. I've started and stopped the process a few times since then. I opened up another application about 1-1/2 years ago, only to stop it a few weeks later.

The biggest hurdle is lack of money. I don't want to go with almost no money. I do have my Social Security payments, which equal about about 3450 NIS (New Israeli Sheqel). The Israeli government gives out a stipend to new immigrants based on family size. I would receive about 2600 NIS per month for the first six months. Overall, I would earn about 6000 NIS for the first six month. I don't know what I would do after those months. I would be under pressure to find work fairly quickly but that might be difficult given my spotty work history.

I really want to go to spend more time with my family. I haven't seen my dad in about five years. His health is failing a bit and I think my mom will need help with him. I don't always get along with my sisters but I haven't met a few of my nieces and nephews. It would be nice to establish a relationship with them.

I don't know if starting a GoFundMe campaign would help. We'll see what happens...

Unfriendly

I hate it when people claim to be my friend, but they say hurtful things when they think I'm vulnerable. Don't they know my self-esteem is already at a low point? And if they indeed know, do they care? Are they transferring their own insecurities onto me? Maybe I should limit my contact with them.

Money

Not having money makes me stressed out and sets my mood into crash mode. Part of me wants to find consistent part-time work, and the other part of me is scared that it won't work out and that I'll fail again. I don't know if I want another setback.

Dignity

I wish medical professionals would treat me with more respect when I seek medical care. Yes, I understand I have mental health issues which impact my physical health. I also know I present at the emergency room multiple times, but some of those times do lead to inpatient admissions. Please, don't talk down to me or treat me like a hypochondriac. I deserve to be treated with dignity like all people should be who seek medical care. Why is it so hard for those in the field to comprehend this concept?

Stomach

I've been dealing with abdominal issues for the last week. I was in the hospital from last Tuesday night until Friday morning with a partially obstructed bowel. I don't recommend it; it's painful and made me vomit a few times. I'm in the hospital again because I thought I had another blocked bowel, but thankfully it's only gastroenteritis. It's been a fun start to the new year...

Resolution

I decided I was going to be more active this New Year's Eve since last year's was a dud. Rick and I went to P-Town for karaoke, which as you know, is my favorite activity besides staring at men in uniform. I was eyefucking this cute guy all night, but he was with a group of friends, and I didn't want to interrupt their night, so I let it go.

A cute guy came into the bar about 20 minutes before midnight. I recognized him from a party my friends had for July 4th. He was drunk, but at least responsible enough to take Lyft and not drive, so I gave him points for that. We sucked face at midnight, but he lost all points when he dropped his drink on me 20 minutes later.

Was it a completely 100% awesome night? No. But it was a drastic improvement than last year. I guess that's my resolution. Not every day is going to be awesome, or even remotely awesome. I know that I've experienced some completely shitty days and I just wanted to give up  go to WPIC or thought about hurting/killing myself. Somehow I have to keep pushing through, and keep treading water until I have enough strength to swim against the current, and then ultimately ride a really awesome wave.