Profound

I feel this profound sadness right now. My mood swings are out-of-whack from the stress of watching the dogs. I find myself blankly staring into space. I hope this ends soon.

Dogs

I've been watching the two puppies since last Thursday night. It's going alright for the most part except for the early wake ups and the shrill barking. The girl puppy, Sadie, freed her leash from my grip and ran across the street this morning. I screamed because I thought she would crushed by a car. Thankfully I caught up to her after I slipped on some wet leaves and landed on my side. We're all okay. Being responsible for two beloved pets who aren't my own is definitely stressful.

Fluctuation

My moods keep going up and down. I really want to write a sports article for Sidelines but I'm lacking the motivation to do it. I also alternate between being excited for and dreading watching these two dogs for the next 2-1/2 weeks. I don't know how or when I'll get out of this mood cycle.

ABC..STD...

It's amazing how uninformed and ignorant people are about STDs even in 2015. I strive to be upfront with guys that I have HPV (human papillomavirus). I'm shocked most of them don't know what it is, how it's contracted, and how to stay safe while having sex. Trying to hook up is honestly becoming more trouble than it's worth.

Concert

I made it through the concert. In fact, I actually had fun and felt pretty confident. I also went out with some of my fellow choristers after the concert and felt comfortable, especially since the gathering was small and the bar wasn't loud. I'm going to miss the socialization for a little while but happy to have a bit of a break. I earned a gold star.

Hiatus

I know it's been awhile since I last posted. I'm not really apologizing since it's my own blog, but whatever. Anyway, here's an update. Joe had another tumor removed a few weeks ago. I went to visit him two weeks ago. I was glad to see him and visit Philadelphia. It had been over a year since I moved back to Pittsburgh. I saw some other friends, too.

My moods have been up-and-down this last week. I think the boost from the increased dose of the Elavil has worn off. I'm sort of stressed about money and stuff. I had a job interview for a part-time program assistant position, and I'm watching two dogs over the holidays, so that should alleviate some of the pressure.

The RCC's concert is this weekend. I'm both excited about and dreading it. I don't want it to be over. I'm also getting very lightheaded and dizzy on stage; I hope I don't pass out. That would be embarrassing.

I'll provide an update after the weekend...

Bored

I'm at Starbucks waiting for my meds to be delivered. In the meantime, I'm obsessively checking my application statuses for both Ohio State and University of Utah, even though they won't make a decision until February.

Honesty

I had a date last Friday night. The guy wasn't bad-looking but I felt no chemistry. He texted me tonight and was asking when we could hang out again. I told him I was alright with that but I didn't want to take it any further. I'm glad I was being honest and upfront without any hurt feelings. Let's hear it for assertiveness!

Application

I submitted my applications for Ohio State and University of Utah. I'm waiting for the supplemental documents to be sent. I won't receive an answer until February. To say I'm nervous is an understatement.

Choices

I'm applying to Ohio State and the University of Utah for grad school. I discussed with my therapist about the rewards vs. the risks. Possible risks include: feeling homesick, having mental health issues and not have any friends to help, and flubbing the program while being 2,000 miles away.

Rewards include: expanding my horizons and boundaries, going to a pretty decent master's program, and having a greater chance of being accepted. Ohio State is ranked pretty high for their Master's of Communication program. I know Columbus is much closer than Salt Lake City, but I'll go where I'm accepted and fully-funded. So let's see what happens...

School Again

I'm thinking about returning to grad school. I go back-and-forth because of my past experience of a master's program didn't go so well. That was 3 years ago so it's not indicative of my potential. I like the thought of being in the academic atmosphere.

Better

I've been dealing with some mood swings and depression for the last week or so. I think it has to do with not being able to stay on the job, and not knowing what to do about my present and future. Today's been a bit better. I'm trying to stay strong.

Down

The depression is more prevalent today. I keep debating about whether or not to go to the DEC. It also doesn't help that my roommate is playing very beautiful, but depressing, classical music to help him paint.

Melancholy

I can't deal with these mood swings. The depression is crushing me.

Exhausted

In the last few days I resigned from my job, ended up at the DEC only to be told I would only be admitted to the Geriatric Unit, and found out my best friend's brain tumor returned. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

Perseverance

I survived the first three days of my new job. I'm at that point where part of me wants to quit because I'm getting bored, but the more logical side of my brain is telling me to stick it out. We'll see which side wins...

Start

I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. I really want to be successful. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Freakout

I'm having really major anxiety and mood swings right now. I feel like my brain is in hyper-speed. My body keeps tensing up and jerking for no reason. Help.

Interview

I had a job interview today for a customer service representative at a law firm. Part of me wants the job and part of me dreads having a traditional work schedule. But I may have to fight through the insecurity since I'm in dire need of additional income.

Ewwwwww

I just heard my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. I almost threw up a little in my mouth. I really need to find my own place to live.

Sports

I knocked out a written preview of four teams in the NHL's Metropolitan Division. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It felt good to write about sports and use my creativity for something productive.

Break

I took a break from posting yesterday. I was having an off day. I'm feeling a little better today despite the migraine. I completed the moving process today by moving the mattress from my old place to the new one.

Curveball

I found out today from my friend I could possibly lose my SNAP benefits, if the PA State Legislature can't agree on a budget, and therefore shuts down. Part of me really wants to head to the DEC. The other part realizes my life isn't just a series of curveballs, but knuckleballs and sliders as well. I have to stay in the batter's box long enough to get a good pitch and hit it out of the park. Hopefully the fastball down the middle of the plate comes soon.

Emotions

I've felt multiple emotions today that have ranged from excited to depressed to pissed off. Good thing I'm going to bed soon.

Pie

Sometimes all you need is pumpkin pie to get through the day.

Home

I moved into the new house today. I don't know if any place is going to feel like home because I've moved so many times.

Packing

I'm taking a break from packing right now. It's something I'm doing too often. I hope I can stay in the next house for awhile.

Meeting

I had a meeting today with representatives from various mental health agencies from Allegheny County. We determined to transfer me from Community Treatment Team (CTT) to an Enhanced Clinical Service Coordination Team (ECSC). I'm hoping this transition will be a better one.

Chutzpah

My soon-to-be-ex-roommate asked me if I could help clean up the house this weekend. She acknowledged I had only lived there for two months and just wanted me to help out. I told her I was unable since I plan to move on Friday.

Thanks to her, I have to toss my new mattress to minimize the risk of bringing bedbugs to the new house. I don't have the money to buy a new one. I spent over $300 for the current one.

She has some major cojones for a girl.

PTSD

I nearly had a flashback at rehearsal tonight. I was able to get through it using the grounding skills I learned in the past. I started looking at the other people in the room and noticing their physical features and what they were wearing. I'm glad I was able to get through it. I get a gold star.

Football

I went to 5801 (a gay bar in Pittsburgh) to watch the Steelers game. I feel slightly more confident going there now vs. when I started going there 10 years ago. I don't really feel out-of-place. It's funny how a decade can change your perception.

Return

Joe is leaving Pittsburgh today. I'very enjoyed his visit and I'm sad he's going home. It's been a nice break from all thrse stressors. But I have a lot to focus on this week including getting ready to move. Give me strength.

Flashback

I showed Joe my old neighborhood and the house where I lived growing up. It's still weird to stand outside that house.

Survival

I made it through the day despite being annoyed by things I couldn't control. I'm glad Joe is here. It's been too long since I've seen him.

Visit

My BFFL (Best Friend For Life), Joe, is coming here tomorrow to visit. I haven't seen him since February. Yayyyy!!!

Date

I'm going on a date this evening. It's been awhile since I've been on one and I'm a little out of practice. He's a really good guy and I'm being cautiously optimistic.

Karma

Is it possible to cash in my Karma points? Maybe they're like airline loyalty programs. If so, I would like an upgrade to business class.

Reschedule

I'm going to look at that houseshare today. I canceled it yesterday because I wasn't feeling it. I'm giving it a second chance today because I'm running out of time to find a new place. Here we go...

Cancellation

I was supposed to look at a houseshare situation today. I canceled because the thought of moving in with strangers lost its appeal. I really want to find my own apartment but I don't have the money right now. When will I find a stable living arrangement?

Doctor

I'm at my PCP's office because she wanted me to see her today. I hope it isn't bad news.

Discouraged

I'm feeling a bit defeated by my search for new housing. I don't know if I'll find anything suitable given my income and crunch for time. I don't want to have a situation similar to the one I'm now facing. I need a miracle.

Apartment

My friend and I are looking at an apartment today. Let's hope it works out.

Equilibrium

I'm still a little tired today from the mono. I'mtrying to stay positive about my housing situation even if it's stressful. I just have to keep chugging along.

Dysregulation

I'm experiencing some mood swings right now. I had a good day but I'm nervous about finding another place to live. I'm getting pie to make myself feel better.

Baseball

I'm going to a baseball game in Erie today. I hope I can make it through the game without having a panic attack and/or mood swings.

Screwed

I found out from my landlord that my roommates originally found the bedbugs in February. They didn't tell me that when I moved in. Now they want me to pay to have the house debugged again. Plus they still plan to move out at the end of the month. Thanks so much, girls!

Leave

Sometimes I wish I could just pack up my stuff and head to another city or country. I've had enough of this life here. I want to do something completely different and not keep beating my head against the wall.

Tired

I went to my primary care doctor's office to get two liters of IV fluid. It helped a bit. I'm still feeling overwhelmed with finding a new place to live. I hope the search isn't too difficult.

Mono

I just found out I have mono again. That would explain why I feel so exhausted. Awesome.

Breakdown

I went to the psych ER at UPMC Mercy today. I guess the stress of having to find a new place, in addition to everything else I've been through this summer, is kicking my butt more than I thought. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to deal with all of these things, but I would really like a break at this point.

Housing

I'm starting the search for new housing. The stress is wearing me out but I need to get it done. I don't have time for a breakdown.

Move

My landlord wants all of us to move out by the end of the month. There is some sort of bedbug issue and he has to exterminate all of them. I can't even deal with this right now.

Meds

I'm having more mood swings today. I don't think adding medications is the answer. Maybe a trip to New Zealand will work?

Cute Guys

There are new guys in my choir and I find them attractive. I don't want to make the first move. I figure they'll ask me out if they're interested. I want to be the prey not the predator.

Worry

My brain overreacted yesterday. I was totally convinced my roommates were going to tell me to move out. This notion was stuck in my mind all day. They had no intention of doing that.

A Better Sunday

I'm feeling a bit more positive today. I'm on my way to the Pittsburgh Pirates game and will try to enjoy myself more this time.

Mirror

When I look in the mirror, I alternate between feeling ugly and thinking I'm cute.

Normal?

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get to lead a "normal" life for a 33-year-old. Will I find my niche in the world? Will I ever get to date and be in a stable and loving relationship? How much will the Bipolar and PTSD inhibit my ability to do these things? Does anyone else wonder the same things?

Stupid Thing To Say

My case manager informed me, that by going to the DEC when I "don't need to be there," that I'm stealing services from WPIC. Guess whose boss will receive a phone call from me tomorrow?

What an idiot.

More Mood Swings

The mood swings are getting worse. I keep telling my Community Treatment Team (CTT) and the doctors at the DEC, but no one seems to listen. Awesome.

Going To The DEC

I ended up at the DEC (Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic Diagnostic Evaluation Center) today. That was my third visit in the last five days. I'm having difficulty with mood swings. I wasn't admitted. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Testing, testing, 1,2,3....

"Hi. My name is Kurt and I have a mental health diagnosis..."

There. I said it.

I'm starting this blog (and will hopefully keep up with it) to share my thoughts and experiences while living with bipolar disorder and PTSD. Despite the name of the blog, my goal is to erase the stigma that goes along with people who have a mental health diagnosis. We're not all the same and our experiences are very real. If you or someone you have in your life are going through this, please know you're not alone. I feel that way sometimes but I know people care about me.

My plan is to share on a daily basis at least one thought or experience I've had. So, here we go...